We have all been there. Meet a hot girl, chit chat for a bit, get her number, text a few times, set up a meeting (I shudder at the word date) and she doesn’t show. When I was first building my confidence and learning to be an Alpha, this was like a punch in the chest. A girl not showing up made me feel worthless, like everything I was learning and trying to better myself with was a lie.
As I started learning NLP, seduction patterns and the traits of an Alpha man, I also noticed that my filters (the mental road maps) of my world changed. When a girl first stood me up my thoughts were to immediately assume “it was all about me”. I wasn’t good enough, I was too short, old, bald, whatever. But the truth is it could be a multitude of issues. She could have been in a car wreck, lost her phone with the directions/your number, her dad could have died, she was stranded in an airport or captured by pirates and held for ransom. The simple act of realizing there are a lot of possible reasons releases the stress we tend to put on our self, which allows us to be more calculating in our response.
I have had girls stand me up, be out of touch for the evening, and circle back with some pretty good excuses a day later and then want to meet up. Not many, but a few. I tend to not trust people very much, so the fact that it didn’t register with her to even send a text saying something came up bothered me. For the most part, if she feels you have high enough value, even if she does have to flake, she will let you know ahead of time and maybe even set up another meeting time.
Back when I was first creating my reality, I had girls flake all the time. I was old school, and set up the “coffee date” where I would invite them to meet me for a cup of coffee at the local cafe. When they asked “Why coffee?” I would tell them “So if you are a crazy stalker I can leave very fast.” It was a low risk venue. I was also very broke and didn’t want to spend my money on dates.
After a few times of girls flaking on me, I knew I had to get it handled. I hadn’t yet realized that my underlying mental programming, such as lack of confidence and incongruent communications, were the real culprits. So I tried several physical techniques to prevent or handle the flake.
For example, if a girl flaked on me – she didn’t text, call or show – I would wait till the next morning and then text her something like: “I am sorry for not showing up, I know how rude it is. I had a family emergency. Still waiting on results.” This is a lie, but a nice open loop pattern. A lot of girls would text me wanting to know more about the drama with my family and saying it was “ok”. Most girls that text back showed up if I set up a second meeting.
I don’t like lying though. I don’t want to “trick” a girl into bed with me, so this was short lived.
I remember one girl who was ok. Not the prettiest, but “cute”, and she flirted all the time with me. I wasn’t all that into her at first, but over time her flirty ways started to build attraction in me. I set up the time for our meet and she completely flaked. I text a few times with no response. It was really pissing me off since she was one the one that always hinted at us getting together, now she is standing me up and not even texting back. I was learning NLP at the time and started reframing the situation through different Meta Patterns when several things occurred to me.
1) I really didn’t want to meet her at first, so I felt like I was doing here a favor till she flaked.
2) The fact that she flaked actually attracted me more to her. Basic human nature – we want what we can’t have or what is hard to obtain.
If I thought the girl said “yes” to just get rid of me, or as I improved, if I could feel (calibrate) that a girl was likely to flake, then I used this dynamic on them. I would wait till just before the date and send a “I can’t make it tonight, maybe next time.” By being vague and not giving a reason, the girl tends to let her imagination run wild (just like I did when I got stood up). And then I wouldn’t respond to her text for the rest of the day/night. Even if they aren’t that into you and had no intentions on showing up, they now feel you have increased value as their mind goes through the “Did he meet another girl?” or “Why doesn’t he want me?” type thoughts. Actually had quite a few girls that weren’t that into me, start chasing me after breaking a date like this.
The more I learned about NLP, pick up and seduction, the stronger my confidence and communications became and flaking went down a lot. But occasionally it still happened.
I believe that a girl flaking is part shit test and part rudeness. It may be she wants to see how you handle the situation. Are you needy? Do you text her a dozen times? Or do you even care? Does she matter even enough to try again with? Or she truly doesn’t care about your feelings and time, which means she places no value on you. Hurts, I know, but better to see the truth and learn from it than to continue to have to deal with these issues.
When I was at a DYD convention, I met a “natural” who talked about calling a girl out on her bad behavior. Some girl would be rude to him out at a club, and he would calmly give her a lecture on human interaction and why he was more valuable and how she should treat people in public, etc. Sounded like solid material, so I decided I would try it with a few of the girls who flaked on me.
I would call and leave them a stern voice mail, or give the text message of “my time is valuable” and let them know “how rude it was of them”. Seriously, no matter how confident you are, trying to punish the bad behavior of a girl you haven’t fucked yet and who hasn’t yet invested into you will completely backfire. No matter how good your delivery, you will look crazy, butthurt and less than confident. It actually helps the girl justify not feeling guilty about standing you up – it was just one of those feelings she had, that you just proved correct.
I assume the your overall goal is like mine – to get laid – so my focus was always on either moving the interaction that direction, or deciding that the energy and time for the lay was more than I wanted to invest. Punishing a girl that has already invested in you for her bad behavior increases your Alpha standing. Punishing a girl not yet invested into you lowers your Alpha standing.
So how do we handle a flake? To me it depends on a couple of items:
1) Did she text or call saying she couldn’t make it?
2) Did she just not show and leave me hanging?
3) How much did I want the girl?
If she did text you she couldn’t meet you (even at the last minute), I would give her the benefit of the doubt while waiting for her to offer a new time. Within a week, if she hadn’t offered a new time for our get together, I would just start gaming her as if she was a girl I just met. Lots of cocky and funny with open loops to keep her drawn in. I have teased girls about breaking a date and how they have to pick me up, bring me flowers and take me to a nice dinner. And several have done just that, picking me up, bringing me flowers and taking me out. I actually had a lot of fun role reversing the “typical” date situation to the point where I just stood by the car door waiting for her to open it. Every girl that I teased into this situation slept with me that night.
However, if she was one that didn’t text or show (the most likely situation), I would just go to the next girl on my list for the evening. Seriously, if you are meeting or sleeping with a lot of women, one girl not showing isn’t that big of a deal. Typically I just invited them to my house, so a girl not showing is an “oh well” moment with me in the comfort of my home. I typically gave a girl about 15 minutes past the point where she was supposed to show, and when she didn’t, I simply text other girls for the meet. Every girl gets a hole in their calendar, and there were usually girls in my social circle willing to come join me on a spontaneous “I have desert come help me eat it” text.
If I am out, say at a local tavern, I would just start meeting other people. Actually, I was usually talking to other people anyway. I always practiced my social skills, and if there were pretty girls in the area I would be flirting with them. When a date did show up and I was talking with other girls, my perceived value always went up in her eyes and the chance of a same night lay was almost guaranteed.
And if I was at the tavern, I still might text another girl to join me. I also never mentioned I was meeting someone or was stood up. I would just text “hey, drinks at X now”. That usually worked on girls I was sleeping with and a few that were on the fence.
But what if I really wanted to meet this girl that just stood me up? Then I would send a text the next day saying something like “Did you win the lottery?” This gives them the opportunity to reengage and explain. If they don’t text back, I typically would put them on the back burner and only text them after a month had passed and with a rather sexual image and an open loop like “Did you know…” which will usually at least spark a response.
If it is a girl you have to see again, like from school, gym, social circle, or god forbid, work, then when you see her just ask “Hey, we missed each other, did something go wrong?” Don’t act or be mad, hurt, angry or “too cool” for her. Give her the opportunity to explain. If she acts aloof or bitchy, then start with a few cocky & funny lines, pattern interrupts and begin the process as if you were in build attraction mode.
And lastly, you can always chose to just let it go. There have been many times I have decided it just wasn’t worth the energy for this one girl. At one point in my life I was actually dating over a dozen women while still trying to add more into my stable. This was exhausting and incredibly fun. At this time, if a girl flaked I took it as a blessing and went to bed early to catch up on my sleep. A few of these girls, who were rude by not calling, texting or showing up, actually started texting me after a week or two. A girl that blows you off, then you ignore, who then calls you has lost her starting pitcher (the guy in line before you), or her mind has kept building you up and your lack of influence (being around, calling or texting) has created you as a fantasy image in her head. Just invite her straight to your house and have a drink. You won.