Through my journey, I have had to mentally wrestle with many competing ideals. Ideals such as:
“Do unto other, as you would have them do unto you.”
“Nice guys finish last.”
“As a man thinks, so shall he become.”
“The past has no power over the present.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Put all of your eggs in one basket and watch that basket very closely.”
I have spent a great deal of time tearing down limiting beliefs that either I or our society built in my mind. I have had to unlearn bad habits, then retrain my mind to follow habits that were more in-line with what I wanted from my life.
And through this journey, I have had some rather harsh feedback from close friends and family.
When I first started my journey, I really didn’t have a clue what I really wanted. It was right after my divorce, and I knew I never wanted to feel the helplessness I felt when dealing with my ex, but didn’t have a clear goal in mind. I didn’t understand how a woman who said she loved me could act in such a cruel and merciless way. As a defense mechanism I became very bitter. I radiated hate and hurt.
After a few months of reading and learning I begin to project a more charismatic self, however I still did not have a deep belief in myself, so my inner strength was more of me “faking it”. This was displayed in my actions from being Cocky & Funny using some line to being a complete ass as I tried to explain the inequality between what women say they want and what they actually want. I knew I was on the tip of some great knowledge, and in talking I was trying to work it out. But in discussing these social dynamics, I was also shining a bright spotlight of truth into the world of those around me. It was this light that brought the personal character flaws of those around me into light. Nobody likes to have their flaws pointed out so directly.
Many times male friends or family members would verbally attack me – shaming me for vocalizing some social dynamic between the men in our group and the women in our group. I have seen women verbally shame some man for a “Stereotypical” truth – like watching football on Thanksgiving rather than sitting around the table with the women sharing stories. I would stand up for the men, and usually get hammered by both the men and the women.
The same has happened with women – friends or family. I remember being with a group and one of my relatives running her mouth on “how she doesn’t need a man” and a “woman can do anything a man can do”. She went so far as to say that she was going to teach her daughters to just get a sperm donor when they were ready to have children. I agreed, and said I would probably teach my son to just go overseas and hire a woman to carry his child so that he didn’t have to deal with the legalities of being a single father with an American (ex)wife.
As you can probably imagine the female group EXPLODED. How dare I say a man didn’t need a woman. A woman is better for kids (bullshit), and woman loves more (bullshit), a woman deserves what she gets after a divorce (bullshit). I tried explaining that 1) I simply said what they said in reverse & 2) that getting the kids up early and to school, doing 1-2 hours of house work, then having to pick up the kids and play with them for a few hours is not even remotely the same as going to a job and busting your ass for pay. Whether you own the company or not.
As a single father I have done them both (go to work and stay home) and yes, that allows me to speak from truth. I never did get mad in these conversations, but most of the women did. To the point of not being around me for many months to many years.
This was still early in my new life and I still had a lot to learn about women. Like how to argue with them and win – I will likely do a future post on this exact topic.
For many years my family didn’t really like who I had become. I would hear those comments like “You use to be such a nice young man” to “Why do you hate women so much” or “You will never get anywhere if you don’t learn to compromise more”.
Like I said earlier, in truth, I was still molding my life and I know I rubbed people the wrong way. And on this journey I would look back at my life and think of different situations. I would remember the girl I met at a party that I was crazy about and how she banged a friend of mine 3 hours later. I remembered several girls that I took on wonderful dates while acting like a perfect “gentlemen” who wouldn’t even return my phone calls afterwards.
Then I would think of the girl I had last night. Hot, sexy, no drama and no date. I would think of the girl I picked up at the party when her boyfriend wasn’t looking that came over to my house when her bf dropped her off.
And my mind would struggle. I still wanted to be a nice guy, however, that guy NEVER got the quality or quantity of women this new guy was getting.
And then one day it clicked. I was able to do both.
I was back to being the fun guy my family loved, friends called and people enjoyed being around. I was also dating even hotter girls.
And this big difference?
I became a Selfish Asshole.
I became the guy that finally had the inner strength to put myself and my needs first WITHOUT feeling the need to justify or explain. I became the guy that had FUN with the social order of things. Rather than pointing out WHY men and women did what they did, I simply said what I would or wouldn’t do in a charming manner.
For example, one of the women would be telling their man (or the men in the group) what to do – and the men would do it. They would tell me and I would play with them all while knowing I wasn’t going to do what they wanted in the way they wanted.
Her: “Hand me that!”
Me: “When did we get married?”
Her: “I’m not in the mood, just hand that to me!”
Me: “Now I know we aren’t married.”
Her: “Will you please hand that to me?”
Me: “That’s better.”
And then she would smile, and I would smile, and we both know I busted this interaction and I am a man that gets it. And from here the females started actually defending me from the men who didn’t like my “challenging” nature.
I became brutally honest with myself and life, and through that I became the fun guy that would point out the differences in men in women in a very sexist way, but also in a charming way that allowed the women to ‘play’ into the stereotypes rather than become defensive. I also really did become selfish.
The Nice Guy Act
Can you be honest with yourself? You don’t have to tell me or anyone else, but why are you a nice guy with women?
I will take stab at it.
Part of it is because of how you were trained – media, advertising, your mom, etc.
Part of it is because you believe that in being nice you demonstrate you are worthy of her sex.
You buy a drink to soften the opening and show her how “non-threatening” you are – hence Nice – all in the hopes she will have sex with you.
You ask for a date and tell her what you will do in the hopes she will see how nice you are – and have sex with you.
You wait till the third date to try anything sexual to show you are an in-touch with your feelings nice guy – and so she will have sex with you.
You write her a song, poetry, draw a picture, paint for her to show her how sweet you are – so she will sleep with you.
You text her after the bar just to say you had a nice time and make sure she is safe – so she will see how caring you are and sleep with you.
If she gets mad at something – especially if you don’t know what it is – you apologize to keep the peace and show her how understanding you are – so you can keep her sleeping with you.
If she wants to go to the mall and shop and you want to go to the bar and watch football, you end up going shopping because you put her needs first – so she will continue sleeping with her.
When you think she is ready, you save up 2 months to buy that perfect diamond for her, get down on one knee and ask for her hand because you are nice – and you only want her to sleep with you forever.
But not me – I am a selfish asshole.
She can buy me a drink – with no hurt emotions if she doesn’t.
I tell her to stop by my place after her date drops her off. I may or may not be there.
On the third day that we have had sex I may take us out for a tacos. Or I will let her cook for me.
I make her listen to talk radio rather than music. Or if she changes my channel I put it right back.
I barely return text messages. If you call me you had better be in a cast.
I refuse to apologize for anything I didn’t do – and most of what I did do if it was calculated. And I will make her to leave if she wants to play the “I’m mad and I won’t tell you why” card.
I will be watching football.
She will have to buy me a ring. And yes, girls have bought me a “diamond ring”.
Am I ever scared or worried that she will leave me? No, I am more looking for a reason to escort her to the door for bad behavior.
Do I make love to her? Nope, I use her for my sexual gratification. I take her along for the ride.
And all of these qualities are demonstrated to her as a fun test from me. I am usually smirking, judging her behavior just waiting to see if she displays any character flaws that would remove her from my world.
Remember what Alpha means: The first one, the beginning.
So take control of your own mind and direct it where you want to go.
If you are going to be Alpha, then you have to place YOU first.