your-reality-girlOne of the most life changing topics I have ever studied is that of “Frames” and the role they play in creating our mental maps. For example, In my early 30’s (after the divorce and bankruptcy) I didn’t believe I could still date hot 18-23 old girls. I felt I was too old, short, bald, broke, etc and this just couldn’t be my reality anymore like it had been when I had money. Sure Hugh Hefner could date those young hot girls as well as a few other wealthy guys, but this just couldn’t be my life.

As I studied “Game” I was constantly wondering how this all fit together and my search for an answer morphed into learning NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). This is where I began to question “Why?” like an untainted child who had not experienced the world of “No”. Why would a woman go for the “bad boy” type when I saw financially well off nice guys (that looked better than the bad boy) get blown off? Why did I believe I was too old, too bald, too short, etc to be with a sexy, young girl? Why could some guys say the most outlandish statements and be loved for it while other men who were polite and respectful were shunned? Why couldn’t I generate wealth again? Why would I hesitate when I saw an opportunity?

“To find yourself, think for yourself.”
– Socrates

In changing my life, there were two main components that had to be addressed. My internal frames (including limiting beliefs), and my external frames (the mental maps) that dictated what I saw and felt of the world. Addressing both of these topics will automatically increase your confidence level, but they also open you up to experience freedom. As you remove filters that distort realities and truth, you learn to see reality closer to a Primary Experience (as it really is). This creates a positive feedback loop that is naturally felt as you navigate life and this boost your confidence and offers choices you didn’t realize existed before. For any man in our society this is a crucial path. It is the key to having a life you want, or a life of you always being victimized – by religion, government and

As I started really analyzing myself, my limiting beliefs, and the mental road maps I had built for myself I found most of what I felt to be truth was nothing more than my ego combined with life experience – good or bad. This is when I began to understand we confuse personal reality with absolute reality and we allow past circumstances to limit future behaviors. This is similar to the reality of a circus elephant. I am sure everyone has heard the story that when training baby elephants they would lock a heavy chain around its leg and stake it to the ground. No matter how hard the baby elephant strained against the chain, it could not break free. After a few years, the elephants “reality” became one where anything tied to its leg could enslave it and hold it bound. Even the smallest rope with the tiniest stake. Sure the elephant was strong enough to break them now that it was older and bigger, but it had been taught a limiting belief that shaped its reality for the rest of its indentured life. Have you ever wondered what ropes are tied around your leg enslaving you?

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”
– Buddha

From this I began to explore absolute truth, objective truth and subjective truth. Absolute truth is a concept (or law) that is always valid regardless of parameters or context. We expect the speed of light to be an absolute law, but we are not exactly sure. This is an area that I really struggled with. Some people would play the God card here as an absolute truth, others would go to physics and quantum mechanics truth. For example, if you have a steel bar that is 8 X 2 X 3″ at standard pressure and temperature, many would claim it is an absolute law that the steel bar would be solid. In quantum mechanics the math would prove that this steel would have a phase state at certain moments that were not “solid”. From our senses it might seem that the steel was solid therefore an absolute truth, however there is more to the story. In atomic physics and chemistry, we learn that we aren’t really feeling the atoms of the steel for its solid surface, but rather the chemical and electrical bonds that hold the atoms together. The steel feels “solid” even though there is as much individual space between atoms and electrons as there would be between our sun and the planets if they were the atoms in the steel. If all of the space was removed between the particles and only the actual matter was left that 8 X 2 X 3″ bar would be a very small pile of material.

Objective truth lies more along the laws of earthly physics. It is the view that truth is not subject to opinion or belief. In our steel example, we define steel as solid state material at standard pressure and temperature, therefore this is an objective truth. Jump off of a cliff, and you are going to be pulled towards the ground at a constant rate – another objective truth since gravity varies by mass so different planets have different gravitational pulls. It is true due to the mass of our earth, therefore objectively true for us.

relaxing-hot-girlThen we have subjective truth. This is the view that truth is subject to opinion or belief; it is true because someone believes it or that they think it is true. And it is this subjective truth that trips most people up. This is the one that causes religious wars and makes many groups (feminist, government agencies, lobbying groups, etc) believe they are enacting rules and laws for the betterment of society when in truth they are likely damaging a larger group people than they actually help. It is exactly what limits the man who takes a girl at her word that she wants a nice guy as much as it limits the feminist claiming we live in a rape culture. They are both limited in their view of life because of the subjective truth they have set for themselves. Neither is correct, though both could point to a single instances that might validate their reality. But both points of view move the believer further from their goal.

Personally, this was good news to me. It is a type of freedom since I am only bound by the limits of my mind and those legal laws I chose to follow. Anything is possible. It may not be probably, healthy or even likely, but it is possible.

“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.”
– John Lenon

As I have grown in my understandings I have experienced many, many different “realities”. I have had hundreds of conversations with people about their different points of view and why they see the world they do. It is interesting for me to ponder on all of these different frame references and I recognize many of the views as realities I once shared. I use to be someone who would see the hot girl with some guy that “looks” lower on the sexual market scale and think, “He must be rich.” Later I thought, “He must have tight game.” Now I simply see he is with her. No more and no less. Everything else is a guess by me and is me imprinting my subjective reality onto an interaction I know nothing about.

Another example would be the hot girl I believed was easy and dated a lot of guys (except me). First, I would be jealous, secondly I would place her in the slut category and look down on her. That is all personal ego talking. Then I use to see an attractive looking female that is longing for a masculine man who can add structure to her life. Now I simply see a female who may or may not be worth my time. Without an interaction I simply do not have enough information to determine what the reality about her is.

So what does your reality say about you? What is possible? Can you approach a girl? Can you spark attraction? Can you lead her to the path of desire? If one woman rejects you, how does it make you feel? How much do you like your job? Are your pursuing what you love to do? What goals do you have for your life? Where did the goals come from – you, your family, society or even religion?

“The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten.
The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to.”

– Chuang-Tsu

I ask these to challenge you. My experience has taught me that our “goals and desires” usually come from our family’s, friend’s or society views – they aren’t even truly yours, they have simply been adopted by you. We do what it takes to live up to expectations placed on us and to fit in. In my experience children will follow the values of their parents almost unquestioningly. If they went to a Christian church as a child they will likely follow the same religion later in life, just like the Muslim child that follows his parents. The man actively looking to marry and settle down typically has either his family’s expectations as his reality, he has a scarcity mind frame and feels he need to find “the one” to be with, or he has society expectations of “this is what men do” as his reality. sexy-nerd

I also want to point out that limiting beliefs are excuses. They are your minds way protecting your ego and giving you an easy out on why you don’t have something you want. If you make an unfiltered, well thought out choice based on objective truth, then good for you. However, if your choice is based on mental filters that distort your reality for whatever reason, then you are selling yourself short of what could be in your life.

Of course, this is a subjective article so I must say there is nothing inherently wrong with whatever you choose as your reality, as long as you are willing to pay the price for it. And yes I do mean the worst cases humanity has to offer. Choose to rob me? Better prepare yourself for a larger caliber hole in your head. Your choice, my choice, and let the strongest frame win.

If you have a strong enough frame, a woman will reflect the reality you place upon her. As will lesser men. Whoever has the strongest frame (which dictates subjective reality) wins the interaction – and to me, that is Alpha. I turn girls I date into “sluts” in my bedroom, regardless of their experience or lack thereof. I also project a frame of wanting a feminine and submissive woman around me which leads my girls to being fun and playful with a lot less drama. And since this as my expectation of reality, playful and fun is exactly what I get.

So I encourage you, every time you hear your internal mental voice say “No, that could never happen or be”, ask yourself “Why”? Push yourself to understand why you limit yourself and to see the “what if’s” of life. To be successful in all that you do, you must know some rules of life don’t even exist. Only by seeing reality without mental filters can you see which rules are firm, and which are of your own creation. That is when you will know freedom.

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  1. James on July 6, 2014

    I really enjoyed this read. It put a lot of thoughts I already had in my head better into perspective and even have me better insight to what I’ve been thinking. You know how to convey your thoughts well and I appreciate that.

    From someone who is still in school trying to figure out if law school is a going to be the next step this helped me take a deeper look at why. Why law school? What ropes have been tying me down or sending me on a path that isn’t even my own? Shit

    This article and the truths therein should be required reading for any young man growing up.

    Thanks again