For years I was a “Nice Guy”. I bought flowers, expensive dinners, wrote love songs, or drew art all to win the affection of the latest girl I wanted. I truly thought that by being nice, I would demonstrate what a catch I was to the women I was interested in.
I remember one summer, when I was 14 and we were staying at a time-share at a lush Arkansas lake, I met the most beautiful girl. She was my age, and we met at the pool just down from the condo where we both stayed. She was a little taller than me, thin, long strawberry blonde hair with a lean swimmers body.
I remember liking her the moment I saw her (which meant I wanted to have sex with her), and I remember teasing her a lot. I was the oldest of the boys there, so Alpha by logistics. We were playing “Marco Polo” in the pool, and she would grab me, pull me underwater and kiss me.
The next day we snuck off to the woods and we made out with me sucking those small developing breast. I felt in heaven and just knew this girl was the one for me. And so I did what I had learned from media and what our society would have us believe is the right path to win her – I bought her a gift.
When my parents took us to town for dinner, I stopped in a little gift shop. I found a cheap silver bracelet which could be engraved. I spent all of my money, and had “I love you” engraved on it. I was leaving in two days, and I truly thought I needed to give her a token of my affection. To let her know how I felt and to solidify our relationship. Mind you, I was 14 and very inexperienced.
The next day we met at the pool again. She was happy to see me and I got a big hug, and a quick kiss. I could see it in her eyes, she had that fire for me. I figured this was the moment so I pulled out my little box and gave it to her. She opened it, looked at it, and wouldn’t accept it. I tried to convince her that I loved her, and that she was what I wanted, etc. I don’t remember exactly why, but she took off running to her condo. I stopped by a little later, and her mom told me she didn’t want to see me. She never took my bracelet. And she never saw me before she left.
We went up to that same condo at the same time of year for the next three years, and I never saw her again. I never really understood why that didn’t work till I was in my 30’s.
Every day, I see men making the same mistakes. When I am out with my friends, most of them compliment and gush all over some attractive girl that is our waitress or in the proximity. I hear them offer dinners, and exciting adventures (“do you like the lake, great you should join me”) ad nauseum.
The guys are good looking, successful, adventurous, and very polite. Half of them give me shit all the time for being an ass to women. They say I am too mean, and tease too hard. I am criticized when I try to give them advice on keeping a girls interest – yes some of these guys are so good looking girls approach them but the girl never stays interested once the guys start talking.
These are the Nice Guys women have always said they want.
These Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it “right.” The want to get to know a girl and go on the 3 date minimum before they even try to initiate anything sexual. These guys go out of their way to accommodate women, and are happiest when she is happy. These Nice Guys dread and avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting some random girl – to the point of defending her from my rather bold, teasing comments. For the most part, Nice Guys seem calm, peaceful, full of compliments and generous. All of these Nice Guys bend over backwards to please a woman and demonstrate they are worth being with because they are so nice. Deep down I believe these guys feel if they are nice and caring enough a woman will recognize how unlike other men they are, and will chose them for happy, loving relationships. And no matter how many times they hear “Let’s just be friends” they believe they just need to be a little nicer.
And while many of these men are nice, they are also frustrated. I have heard many times about some girl they like crying on their shoulder about the man she is fucking who won’t commit to her all while telling this same Nice Guy that she just wish she could find a man like them. And that “some day he is going to make a lucky woman very happy” – yet someday never comes with the woman they want.
These passively pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately crave and believe they deserve. And all of this frustration, and Nice Guy personality development, is from these men not being taught to see the world for how it REALLY is. Instead they believe the myth that the media, movies, novels, government, schools and especially women would have them believe.
This myth is the essence of Mr. Nice Guys frame and limiting beliefs. It is their Albatross.
The Nice Guy believes that a woman must like him to have sex with him. I know for a fact that an angry and emotionally charged woman will still jump you if you are pushing the attraction buttons. But a Nice Guy just can’t believe that a woman can feel lust while still not liking a man’s non-compliance. It just isn’t “nice”.
The Nice Guy has adopted an internal belief system (his frame) that if he is “good enough”, he will be loved, get his needs met, and live a problem-free life.
And as this strategy fails to produce the fruits of the women he desires, he amps up the “try harder”. He will do more, he will offer more, he will give of himself more, and all of his “try hard” feels like “needy and weak” which tends to drive the female away. This tends to cause a sense of helplessness and resentment which also makes the Nice Guys seem anything but nice.
A Nice Guy is the type of guy who gives and gives, but it always seems to come with strings attached. And it does. In his giving he is actually hoping and expecting to receive.
The concept of the Nice Guy have been discussed a on both male and female dating blogs, but very few have tried to define what it looks like, and why it doesn’t work. Traits of the typical Nice Guy are:
If he has a girlfriend or wife, she runs the show – and he is frustrated cause he feels he settled.
He is the male friend always willing to rescue his female friends.
He is the guy who seems very boring since he is scared of conflict and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
He is the guy who lets people use him since his frame is that it is his duty to help others, even when they are undeserving.
He is the guy that gets suckered into the worst assignments at work, in his clubs or church because he doesn’t want to look disagreeable and simply cannot say “no”.
He is the type of guy women refuse dates or even drinks from, since his vibe is one of expecting return. People can feel that if they accept the offer, then he will expect more time, intimacy and energy from them.
He is the type of guy that seems to be a normal, under control guy until it all explodes (as it does for some). This is the type of man that goes on a killing rampage, and the neighbors are on TV saying “he was such a nice man, would help anyone, we never suspected….”
What’s Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?
How can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even think of all the nice men in media and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.
All Nice Guys frequently have a difficult time understanding the depth and seriousness of their belief systems, frames and portrayed behaviors. When I talk to these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all want to know, “What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?”
As we stated earlier, these men have been conditioned to believe that if they are “nice,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life. The problem is that is very far from what really happens. The Nice Guy shtick is one that feminist, media, and government have used to make men more docile. What it doesn’t take into account is a woman’s hard wired (evolutionary behavioral) lust and desire for a masculine AKA Alpha man. I doesn’t matter how much we wish we could all hold hands and sing happy songs and life would be perfect for all, the truth is life isn’t fair. Millions of years of programming that have shaped a woman’s nature will not be erased by a few years of men bashing and feminizing men. Women do, and will for a long time, want a powerful, not-afraid-to-say-no and stick-up-for-himself, put-the-girl-in-her-place kind of man. And the typical Nice Guy is not going to portray this vibe without changing his mental frames and limiting beliefs.
And as I have learned to not be a Nice Guy, I know that the Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of the typical Nice Guy:
Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest. An Alpha may seem like an asshole for saying “no”, charging into conflicts by stating exactly what he wants, regardless of what others want, but fundamentally the Asshole Alpha is seen as honest.
Nice Guys are secretive. Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. An Alpha is bold and confident, and more likely to be matter-of-fact. A Nice Guy (when caught) will hide that he was looking at a woman’s ass and then apologize with shame to minimize the conflict. An Alpha will ask his girl if she thinks they should grab this girl for a threesome. No secret at all in what he was thinking, with no shame.
Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met which creates the “ick” or “creepy” feeling in women. An Alpha has a devil-may-care attitude, and will clearly state what he wants, put his needs as a top priority, and communicate his wants directly. This is seen as both open and confident, which allows a woman to accept a role with an Alpha lover that she would never even think of with the Nice Guy.
Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them. An Alpha is dominant. He simply lets everyone know what is acceptable and what is not. He is not afraid of conflict and will leave a woman for breaking his rules. He never dictates her actions, just remains true to his beliefs. She is free to do whatever she wants, with an understanding of the consequences for some actions. This allows her the freedom to choose her actions, while feeling the Alpha is a challenge since he shows no need to try and control her.
Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return. Alpha’s may be generous or not. But when you receive from an Alpha, you know you have a true gift. An Alpha is confident in who they are, and they do not give to receive any recognition. That’s one reason an Alpha can offer a girl a drink and get laid, while a Nice Guy will be told “no” – even if the Nice Guy is better looking, richer, etc. It is all in the vibe and expectations of the action.
Nice Guys are full of rage that they deny. Even though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times. An Alpha may flare with stirrings of anger easily, and may be slow to calm down, but when the storm is past, they are at peace, and sleep very well. The fact that they will display anger when appropriate will garner more respect from people, creating an atmosphere where the Alpha is not placed in a position of needing to be angry very often.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying “no,” “stop,” or “I’m going to.” They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing. This is one reason women avoid nice guys. The woman doesn’t want to feel guilt over rejecting you and causing you to feel pain of the helpless victim. An Alpha does not have these issues. He can clearly set boundaries, say “no” and be direct without his ego being bruised by hearing “no” back. This actually helps a woman feel safe with him, since he will communicate boundaries and isn’t likely to fly into a rage over minor slights.
Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them. Alpha’s typically like alone or male time, and find it harder to achieve since their presence is actually comforting to women.
Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy’s childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises. An Alpha hates drama and will only put up with so much from even the hottest girl. He tends to know it is easy to find women, so women with a lot of baggage are avoided by the Alpha for all but the quickest pump and dump.
Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I’ve met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential. Alphas tend to become very successful in whatever they chose to do. Their confidence, risk taking behavior, and overall sense of power actually helps people trust them and see them as a leader, thus creating an environment where they see more opportunity to rise and shine versus the average Nice Guy.
Being an Alpha isn’t just about getting laid, though that’s what most men want to learn. Alpha is a mind set, a literal place of Zen where you can enjoy life a little more, and reap most of the world’s rewards.