While reflecting upon the evening, I recalled a story AlphaX shared with me:

AlphaX hung out with a company of guys who all wanted to improve their dating life, yet when they visited a restaurant, they all hung out together, while AlphaX went and approached girls. Don’t get me wrong: AlphaX is great with women and when he told this story, I felt intimidated because my immediate reaction, “Well, yeah, but you’re good with girls.” However, he said something I’ll never forget when talking about this evening: at the time, he wasn’t that good with girls, but he knew exactly what he wanted to do and what area of his life he needed improvement on. And he acted on it. And at the end of the evening, he walked away learning something instead of remaining within the strangling arms of comfort.

Fast forward to a month ago. What was I there for? Partially to hang out, and I was doing that (heck, I introduced my friend to a few cute girls and helped him build rapport with them to where he could have run with it). But I also went out to meet some girls. And I did. But I didn’t meet girls by telling myself things that weren’t true, but by honestly assessing what I was doing. Like AlphaX had mentioned with his group, if these guys wanted to improve their dating, they should have made the approaches instead of staying in their comfort zones among their friends.

AlphaX: This was a time I was at a Double Your Dating convention where they were filming the second version of “Advanced Dating Techniques”. I was not a speaker here, nor was I a “paying student” I had been invited to go because of my DYD “Interview with Dating Guru’s” CD and some of my past field work. I was invited, rather last minute, out with some of the “big names” of the time as they took a bus full of students out. I will not name names, but most of these guys are still in the dating arena teaching, and I do enjoy their views and tips. If you have ever read the book “The Game” then you have heard of at least half of them.

I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I have found that approaching and interacting means more than “picking up the girl and instantly banging her”.

How can we prevent ourselves from doing this? A few helpful tips that I’ve learned from experience, and also through speaking with AlphaX:

1. Set a strict time limit. Remember the limited time I mentioned? If I give myself ten hours to “hang out,” my mind’s natural tendency is to procrastinate. It will think, “Hell, I can approach in the last hour.” Instead, I tell myself, “I have one hour and I want to make at least five approaches.” This helps to create a sense of urgency, and a sense of urgency is tied to success, whether that success is money, business or dating. If you want to do something, give yourself very little to do it and you will. And if you’re having fun, you can always stay.

AlphaX: I am so glad you brought this up. I would set a time limit at the very beginning. Say 5 girls in the first hour. Once you have opened 5 and gotten that vibe and confidence rolling, you will naturally be more inclined to bring people into your social interactions.

2. Self-honesty. I enjoy speaking with AlphaX because he’s honest with himself. He’s not afraid to dress himself down if he needs to, or analyze his own past behavior. We can’t act if we don’t learn to actually assess our situation. “I want to meet people.” Can I really say this if I’m standing in a corner and holding beer? “I want to make more money.” Can I really say this if I’m not working a second job or working on a side project? Look, we can say ANYTHING, but until we do it, it’s just vocal noise.

AlphaX: This is a big one of mine. Being Alpha doesn’t mean always being right, or evening wining. It typically means I bed more and hotter women than most men, while also achieving a degree of leadership and financial success. However, every interaction can be improved on.

3. Find pride in initiation. So I met a few attractive girls who didn’t interest me. It would be easy to think, “Well I initiated and failed” but instead, realizing that these girls would like my friend, I initiated that. No long term successful company tries to screw its shareholders over; passing earnings to the shareholders in the form of growth or dividends demonstrates an example that if we’re not “feeling it” with someone (or someone’s), someone else might. Connect them. Initiation builds confidence because you can look at the social connection and think, “I started that.” In working with AlphaX, he did that even when he didn’t “get” something out of situations – he initiated and connected.

AlphaX: This is like the story from earlier with the DYD group. My first thought was to open the girls and see what they were like. I liked the blonde so I got her number to see where things went later. I happened to run into her again that night and that led to us becoming intimate. I don’t typically start an interaction with people because I want something from them, more I want to see how, if at all, they fit in my life.

These are fantastic observations, and the foundation for anyone learning to become Alpha. Good job.

What are these fundamental behaviors and attitudes?

1. On a regular basis, visit local location. AlphaX mentioned that we need a location that we regularly visit, not only to grow comfortable in an environment, but also to build relationships with some regulars. Consider the opposite for a second: trying to establish ourselves in a new bar every night around new people. While it may sound fun initially, we lose tons of energy in trying to establish ourselves there, instead of using our energy to break new ground. This immediately feels different – “I know these people” vs. “I don’t know anyone” from an energy perspective. In the past, I’ve wondered if some of my “enjoying new arenas” wasn’t an excuse for escape from failure.

For approaching, let’s stick to the environment we already feel most comfortable in, as we can grow into other environments later. By focusing primarily on this environment, we can quickly eliminate the other worries, such as “what should I wear” or “what is totally out of bounds?” If we’re comfortable in a coffee shop, then we already know that wearing swimming trunks to it, or screaming “FIRE!!! EVERYONE RUN” are inappropriate. We don’t need to worry about how to approach the environment, as we’re familiar with it.

Also, let’s drop the idea that we’ll have better luck in other places, something very common with some men. If we feel we have to run to another country to experience success, that’s escaping, not learning to take advantage of opportunities in front of us. As I watched AlphaX, regardless of the environment he was in, he took advantage of the moment. His behavior differs from most people who feel that there’s “some place out there than what I currently have.” How often do we feel this way? Our feelings, whether we want to admit it or not, are escapism, simply put. Take advantage of this moment, this location, and this is why sticking to one place for a while can help initially.

My application of this recently has been finding a place that I like, that I feel comfortable visiting, and that I want to continue to visit. Also, in looking back on past behavior, I can sense the escapism of running to a new place – that wasn’t the solution then, and it won’t be the solution now.

2. Build a habit. AlphaX and I discussed consistency when dealing with approaching, as he interacted with multiple girls and told stories about, no matter where he was, he would approach and interact with girls. Again, whether we’re honest to ourselves or not, many of us feel that we need to first find the right person (or the right situation, or the right time, etc), then approach. Not at all. If we see an opportunity, then we take advantage of it regardless of whether we feel that it’s the “right time.” AlphaX wasn’t trying to date any of the women he spoke with; he just wanted to have a fun, playful interaction. Adopting this attitude made it easier for him if an interaction did matter. Contrast that with our thinking of “Oh gosh, now I have to perform!”

If we aren’t practicing our reps, when the time matters, we won’t perform. A habit builds attitude, and AlphaX’s interactions came with ease because he had established a strong habit of interactive dominance. I applied this by approaching people daily, absolutely anywhere, who I didn’t already know and by stimulating interactions above hi and goodbye. I also disabled all distractions as this hinder habits from forming by allowing me to escape from the present (staying present is part of step one and two).

3. Focus on one improvement. When starting a habit, we can easily do too much, too quickly or try to jump into something and burn out later. AlphaX shared numerous stories of interacting with others and on each story, I could sense how he learned something and that knowledge slowly built into interactions he wanted. In fact, at one point, AlphaX stated, “I don’t actually recall conversations, they just happen.” This shows that he interacts without actually thinking through his interaction – something that for beginners, feels impossible. The reason we feel this is impossible initially is because we haven’t learned to automate our conversations – we see all the improvements we need, and it feels too much for us to handle. Note that this is the point where anyone feels the most discouraged (this is true with any behavior).

However, if we focus on one improvement per interaction, we can measure success by “This was done” until it becomes a part of our interactive habit. AlphaX mentioned that he started learning this later in his life and after a decade came to where he was, meaning that these changes won’t happen overnight (and feel the relief that you don’t have to be a master on day one).

This helped a significant amount because I can focus on these improvements interaction by interaction instead of feeling like a major failure after one interaction didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I can sense from many men that they give up because they feel as if they must be the expert on day one, or by day thirty, which our culture tries to encourage many times (“Be an expert today!”) In reality, only the incredibly self-deluded achieve this since they lack self-reflection. Instead, as was obvious from AlphaX’s stories, we should focus on one improvement until we feel that we’re consistent in it, and move to the next. As I’ve built on improvements, I’ve noticed how certain interactions begin to feel more automated and what once felt uncomfortable, now feels natural.

So what happens if we don’t agree with these three fundamentals? Try them for three months and take note if you see any improvement. If you don’t, jump ship and try something else; no experiment wastes time, because we learn from everything we test.

EddieJ